Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
