Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
