i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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