fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
