i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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