I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
