He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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