I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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