can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
