what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my being single is dangerous.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
