I want to have your abortion
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
