NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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