that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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