so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
