Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Randomize
