I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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