i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm passing your future prison.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
