I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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