i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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