So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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