If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
