I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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