ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
