Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
