brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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