he shaved USA in his pubs
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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