i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
