lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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