final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
