My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
