it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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