I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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