my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
