My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
