Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
