btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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