dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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