Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
