piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
