How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
