the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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