my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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