My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
