saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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