I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
