Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
