I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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