I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
