Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
