he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
