I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize