I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
