A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
