Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
