i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can text with my tongue
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
