Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
